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D/s relationship on the rocks - JettaUK - 18 Feb 2014 23:03

Hi everybody, this is my first post here. I was hoping for some input and help.

Basically I met my now wife online 6 years ago, she is naturally very submissive and I was dominant and we were perfect for each other in every way. as we lived on different sides of the country (before we moved in together) we would visit each other every weekend and have what could only be described as a perfect relationship, amazing sex, unrelenting lust for each other and most importantly to us both, a perfect D/s relationship.

Anyway after a year or so of living together our bond as a D/s couple started to wither and then sex slowly started to go too and over time I lost confidence and shyed away from the dominant role I've been in my whole life.
the place we're now at is on the brink of divorce as I just can't seem to treat her the way I once did, every time I try it seems she can see through me and can tell it's not there anymore even when I feel it is.
We've tried endless confidence boosting activities together and separately in the hope of gaining what we once had but but nothing is working, I love her more than anything and can't bare to think of life without her but it's beginning to become a reality. She's starting to resent me for making her feel unloved and unwanted as I can't muster up the courage to be the man I once was. She is no longer willing to help me and if I can't do this by myself then we are as good as over.

I hope somebody can help by relating to this story is some small way and perhaps have advice from either the dominant or submissive perspective.

If anybody wants more details to help establish a better answer please don't hesitate to ask.

This really is a last resort for me and I'm praying that somebody can help

Thank you in advance. Matt.


RE: D/s relationship on the rocks - PinkLipstick92 - 18 Feb 2014 23:33

A 247 D/s relationship is extremely hard to maintain constantly (mine is suffering a little at the moment, not enough for serious worry but still)
So the reason it may have been so strong and amazing at first is A) because it was a new relationship and B) because you weren't living together so didn't have the added stress of that.

If you take D/s out of the equation, and just treat her as a vanilla partner, are things good? Are you affectionate towards each other? If you aren't you need to build things back up at a vanilla level first, before bringing D/s back in. (Which as you know, requires a scary amount of trust and dedication)

But the best thing to do is, communicate with her. Tell her exactly what you feel is missing and how much you want to bring it back.
She could be rejecting you, because she feels like she is protecting herself from you "turning off" your dom again.

I really hope you can work it out Smile

(Just want to add in that D/s and sex aren't always present together in a relationship, though it is in many cases. A note for people who may not know, not aimed at you directly)


RE: D/s relationship on the rocks - chunkydom - 19 Feb 2014 07:58

I wish I had a simple answer for you. My mantra always is to keep communication open for as long as possible. If you can't do it face to face write it down. You articulated it very well above so showing her those words would be a good start.

I think you need to try to understand what it is she wants that you can't give and find out if there are alternative solutions. I also really hope you sort it out and work through this situation. Good luck.


RE: D/s relationship on the rocks - PinkLipstick92 - 19 Feb 2014 08:40

Another point I have is dont try and recapture the Ds you had 6years ago. You arent those people anymore. As you evolve your relationships will evolve too.
Still try to have a Ds relationship, just dont put the one you used to have on a pedastel and aim for that. It wont happen.
Smile


RE: D/s relationship on the rocks - Mrs Topper - 19 Feb 2014 10:50

Don't give up, sounds like you have an amazing relationship that's worth fighting for. Long term relationships change and evolve over the years and you have to expect that, the most important thing to do talk to each other about what you want, and don't be afraid to try new things.

What I find helps is to take a break away together, go on a holiday, get away from everyday life and stresses and re-discover each other in a new environment. That's really helped get me and Mr T back on track in the past.


RE: D/s relationship on the rocks - JettaUK - 19 Feb 2014 16:55

Hi guys, thank you for your replies.

Firstly PinkLipstick asked if things were ok outside of the D/s / sex part of the relationship,

well we both still love each other and do things for each other but I just doesn't make us as happy as if we had the D/s side of it too. Having an ok vanilla lifestyle still seems like failing between us as we were so much more before.

And in response to the talking about it, we've tried before and it just ends up in explosive arguments about how clearly things are wrong, I have often tried to talk about it but she never wants to as she sees it as 'topping from the bottom' to have to tell me exactly what needs changing and what's wrong, and that if I was the person I used to be it would just come naturally to me and I wouldn't need to be told.
I can understand her point of view but that doesn't help me.
When we first got together it wasn't all that apparent that I was entering into a D/s relationship because it came so naturally to me, I didn't premeditate how I wanted her to be, she just reacted to my actions and it was perfect.
I was literally in control of her entire life and she loved it. I would choose what clothes she was going to wear the next day, make sure she had enough water throughout the day, she would even curl up at the end of the bed at night until I asked her into bed myself.

I hope I'm not rambling I just want to give you as much info as possible to help you understand where abouts we are right now.

Thank you again

Matt


RE: D/s relationship on the rocks - PinkLipstick92 - 19 Feb 2014 17:33

I know what you mean about ok vanilla having nothing on a Ds dynamic.

What if you just picked out clothes for her to wear again. Small Commands to see how she is responding.
If she flat out refuses she either doesnt want to be let down again or she has lost all faith & respect in you being a dom.

Saying that though, you can only work with what she gives you in return. If restoring your dynamic is what you both want then you both need to work at it.

She (and you) cant just say it fell apart cos you, the dom, werent domly enough. You cant dominate if she wont submit.

How long has it been like this?


RE: D/s relationship on the rocks - JettaUK - 19 Feb 2014 22:54

Well we've known each other 7 years, been together for 6 and the 'amazing' portion of our relationship (where we were completely Engrossed in each other and had sex multiple times a day) probably lasted a year from when I moved in so it's been a good 3-4 years of on-off D/s and problems, the reason she's so reluctant to 'help' me or basically do anything at all is because I promised her things would change years ago and they never did, I guess I was just wishing and hoping that they would without actually actively doing anything. Now I am doing anything I can (reading blogs and forums like these, reading D/s stories online and generally trying to boost my confidence by getting myself fitter and just trying to be more assertive in day to day life) but until she can see a concrete bit of progress then she's not really interested

Ps. I did pick out her clothes this morning which did make her smile


RE: D/s relationship on the rocks - PinkLipstick92 - 19 Feb 2014 22:59

(19 Feb 2014 22:54)JettaUK Wrote:  Well we've known each other 7 years, been together for 6 and the 'amazing' portion of our relationship (where we were completely Engrossed in each other and had sex multiple times a day) probably lasted a year from when I moved in so it's been a good 3-4 years of on-off D/s and problems, the reason she's so reluctant to 'help' me or basically do anything at all is because I promised her things would change years ago and they never did, I guess I was just wishing and hoping that they would without actually actively doing anything. Now I am doing anything I can (reading blogs and forums like these, reading D/s stories online and generally trying to boost my confidence by getting myself fitter and just trying to be more assertive in day to day life) but until she can see a concrete bit of progress then she's not really interested
Yeah I can see why she would be fed up then really, I hate it when Daddy promises me something, or that something will change and then it doesn't. It makes me wonder if He takes it as seriously as I do (despite the fact He has Dom'd before whereas I am a kink virgin til Him lol)

Keep doing all you are doing to try and get things back on track Smile 

But keep communicating too, its not fair to put all the effort in if she won't be interested at the end of it. Any progress is good progress and should be recognised and not brushed aside waiting for more. 


RE: D/s relationship on the rocks - JettaUK - 20 Feb 2014 16:41

Thank you so much for your reply. I think things are starting to get better, she seems hopeful and a bit more optimistic about the situation, we clearly still have a long long way to go but two days ago I couldn't see any hope but now I'm feeling strong and much more ready to take control again. It'll be a slow road back but she'll be calling me Daddy again soon : )